Memento Mori

 

dailystoic.com

I wrote this in my phone’s note app on June 30 at 8pm.

This pandemic has given me time to think about a lot--including old friends, past lovers, classmates, professors, and some people I have met in my life.

  

I had a special friend I met when I worked part-time at a grocery store more than 10 years ago. Though we had drifted apart since we stopped working together, I got curious if he is doing fine recently so, I looked him up online. Unfortunately, I have not found him. Guessed he might have changed his name or quit social media. I just brushed it off and stopped searching further.

A week passed by, I dreamt of him. Quite vague because we did not talk or do anything in my dream. The only thing I recall is that he was smiling at me. My heart leaped the moment I woke up in the morning. There was an instant feeling of excitement that tells me to find him right away. I went straight to pick up my phone and search for his social media account but to no avail. Suddenly, I remembered that he had liked one of my oldest photos. I immediately went to that photo and saw his name spelled backward. Obviously, the reason why it was impossible to find him online. I checked out his profile and noticed that he has not posted anything since 2019. What shocked me next were the comments of some of his friends and family that say, rest in peace.

I froze, do not know what to feel at that moment. Am I seeing it wrong? How is it even possible? He was too young to die. I could not believe that he had already passed away.

I felt shame not knowing that he died two years ago. I asked myself what kind of person I am for not checking on him earlier. Maybe, he appeared in my dreams as a spirit to let me know that he is gone. He might have poked me in my sleep because I was too busy living my own life that I had no knowledge of his death. 

 I cried, reminiscing our good memories. They were few but, I will never forget those times that we were together. I know that these words are useless now because there is no way he would know how he had touched my life but, I would write these anyway.

He was the kind of person who always knew how to have fun. He would ask me to try out foods I have not tried before and eat at new restaurants. He loves going to church, beaches, gyms, and malls. I liked him for being so cool and free-spirited. The last time I saw him, I was too stressed about my job and my life. We went to church then to the mall to play arcade games. I felt alive again after that. We had so much fun that day which made me think that I was too young to burden myself with many problems and obligations that are not mine in the first place. I should enjoy my youth and make time to relax just like him. 

I also remembered that he was with me during one of those challenging times in my life. I will never ever forget how he went out to help me during the onslaught of one of the most devastating typhoons that ever struck the Philippines. And he was one of the hard-working persons I know. Studying by day while working at a fast-food chain at night. Years before he died, he graduated in criminology and officially became a policeman. I am glad he reached his dream.

After knowing about his death, I immediately reached out to his family and offered my condolences. And before I went to sleep that night, I prayed for his soul. I apologized to him too.

Then after few weeks, I dreamt of him once again. He was smiling, and he hugged me from behind. It felt so real. I woke up in tears, yet I am happy because I believe he is at peace now.

                                         

I just realized that life is indeed short. Time is too precious, and it is so foolish to waste it doing nonsense and worrying about many things. To overthink about my future, that is not yet here, ruminate about the past that I could not change, and care too much about other people's opinions of me when it is certain we are all going to die.

Memento Mori (Remember that you have to die).  It is just a matter of time until we meet our end eventually. All of the things I worked hard to own will not matter anymore if I die tomorrow. 

To think that time is abundant and assume that I still have many years to live is stupid. It is not even guaranteed if I can reach 40 or 60 years of age. To let myself wallow in anxiety about the future is futile when I am too blessed to have this day to live it. I should just breathe in the present. Spend time with things that matter to me and show care to my loved ones while they are still here.