My past haunts me

 

Last week was hard for me. Suddenly, I found myself overthinking and ruminating about my past mistake that happened many years ago. The worst thing is, I let it rob my peace of mind for days and made me feel small, regretful, and miserable. I lose focus when watching TV and while conversing with another person. I lose the desire to eat, find it hard to sleep at night. 

I wonder why it came to me this time. It has been years that I have not thought about it as I was busy with my own life. Yes, it might have appeared in my thoughts once or twice in a year but, the impact of remembering it now was too strong. Why would I be reminded of a thing in the past suddenly? Like someone surprisingly attacked me from behind, and I was stabbed without a fight. 

In an instant, I realized that I am still bitter about it, I resent myself, and I have not totally moved on from it. I guess it would feel better if I was the one who got hurt by people in the past. I could have moved on easily that way. But I was the one who broke hearts, and it was me who ruined what could have been a perfect relationship, the one who had to face the consequence. And to be honest, it is such a different level of pain and regret.

I blame my youth, my foolishness, and my selfishness for my past actions. If only I could bring back the time to correct my mistakes, I would do it. But that would be impossible. 

If only someone could read through me, they could see this big and bold GUILT written all over my face. It feels suffocating having less control of the mind. My whole body panicked upon re-enacting old scenarios. They are so vivid and like they just happened yesterday. 

What if I had done things differently? What if I said these things? What if I chose the other way? What if, what if... I drowned in millions of what-ifs. I blame my idleness, the isolation, COVID, and the hot weather for playing some tricks on my mind during this time.

To self-medicate, I read some psychology articles to understand why I suddenly feel that way. I checked what triggered me to be reminded about it and it was social media. I immediately deactivated my social media account as first aid.

I consulted my journal to review what really happened and all the memories came back and tortured me once again. But I also read my POV during that time, the reasons why I did what I did. I self-reflected. And I did write again in my journal to ease the heavy feeling.

I also reached out to a few trusted friends and told them how I feel. They said that I am now learning and already healing because I can now distinguish right from wrong. I now realize the alternate actions I should have done in the past, and it would help me in my decisions when the same thing happens again in the future.

 But the question is, did I ever learn? Maybe. Before, I tried to forget those bitter memories through anger. I believe that as long as I am mad with that person, and as long as I think I was the victim, I can move on. That was me being immature and naive. But now, I came to admit that it was my fault in the first place. I chose to be on the wrong side. And I never apologized to the people I hurt. I was dishonest. I was a coward. I was selfish. My pride and ego got ahead of me. It took me seven years to finally see what went wrong. Now I understand. I need to forgive myself to move on.

Despite what I went through in the past, I could recall that a lot has changed since then. I evolved as a better person and made better decisions in my life. I stayed away from bad habits, stress, and temptation, to live a simple and quiet life. 

My life has turned 180 degrees after choosing a different path. I have learned to live independently and become financially responsible. I was able to see many beautiful places in the Philippines and traveled to foreign countries for leisure which was my dream. I attended many music concerts (which I enjoy the most). I read a lot and learned a lot, experienced new things, and acquired skills. 

I have learned what kind of work fits me and found an enjoyable and rewarding career. I even started writing again. Most importantly, I met people who love me genuinely.

The past does not define me, and my present self was totally different from my old self. I am a whole new person now. I just did what I think was right during that time. I am sure my heart and brain were in place when I made those decisions, and they were for the better. 

My actions might have shattered peoples' hearts, but I found my peace. I am positive that by now, they have moved on and are not bothered by it anymore. Though I know it was too late to tell them I am very sorry, I still wish my apologies would reach them in their dreams when they sleep.

 The past is in the past. Nothing can be changed. What I have is NOW. I should live it right. I learned some life lessons the hard way, which made me who I am today.

I remember my high school teacher once said, "There should never be regrets, but a lifelong appreciation of the choices you have made." 

And she was right. I shall move forward, let go of this guilt in my heart, and let time heal all the wounds from my bitter past.